10. Love Actually (2003)
To borrow my colleague Mr Holly’s standard reviewing motif, if Love Actually was a relative at Christmas, it would be your granny – a bit dotty, bloated on mince pies, a bit tipsy on sherry, disorganised, showering you in sloppy kisses, but full of love and presents.
Too long by far, Richard Curtis’ rambling, star-studded ensemble comedy romance has at least two segments that could be done away with – most obviously the bit where a dweeby English guy goes to America to score some hot chicks using his English accent, and Liam Neeson’s vomit-inducing, ET-eyed, trembly-chinned son. All he really wants for Christmas is some hair on his knackers so he can pull the popular bird at school.
But the whole thing is tied together by Bill Nighy’s incomparable rogue of a washed up rock star, looking to make good one last time with the drossy cash-in Christmas Is All Around, a sly nod to the Wet Wet Wet mega-hit Love Is All Around from Curtis’ own Four Weddings and A Funeral.
It’s not all laughs and japes, and surely the standout moments are Emma Thompson’s heart-rending tears when she realises her hubby may be having an affair; and Andrew Lincoln’s heart-melting declaration of love to Keira Knightley, done a la Bob Dylan to Silent Night. And honestly, if you can’t warm to Love Actually‘s generous intentions, I think you’re some weird, stunted, cold-hearted bastard, ripe for a visit from three Ghosts on Christmas Eve…
9. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Tim Burton‘s pop gothic ascetic finds a perfect muse in Henry Selick’s sublime stop-motion animation as Jack Skellington, the skull-headed leader of Halloween Town gets all Christmassy and kidnaps Santa, in order to put his own unique spin on Christmas. Some of the songs are pretty naff, and it drags a bit despite its short running time, but Jack’s Christmas is delightfully ghoulish.
8. The Great Escape (1963)
A film that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. However, I’m from a generation of English blokes for whom Boxing Day wouldn’t be Boxing Day without a large plate of turkey sandwiches and a re-run of John Sturges’ POW-breakout caper. An international cast hams it up gloriously, Bernstein’s rousing score makes sure you know where you’re supposed to be emotionally, and it is always gripping no matter how many times you’ve seen it.
7. The Snowman (1982)
This short feature has been a staple of Channel 4′s Christmas Day schedule since its first airing back in 1982, loving rendered from Raymond Brigg’s cherished picture book. The twee shenanigans at the North Pole leaves me a bit cold, but the boy and the Snowman’s breathtaking flight across the snowy landscape to Walking In The Air still inspires a sense of childlike wonder.
6. Elf (2003)
Will Ferrell has always been a bit too deliberately “out there” with his usual shtick for me, but gives a wonderfully funny and big-hearted performance as Buddy, a human raised as an Elf in this feel-good festive comedy. A fish-out-of-water comedy, bringing Buddy from Santa’s workshop to the Big Apple, his wide-eyed innocence and passion for all things Christmas are brilliantly counterbalanced by his cynical, sneering biological father, played with shark-eyed relish by James Caan.
5. Bad Santa (2003)
Officially the sweariest Christmas movie of all time, with the F-word used a grand total of 170 times, Bad Santa is Terry Zwigoff’s wilfully acerbic tale of Willie T. Sokes (Billy Bob Thornton), an alcoholic, ass-fucking, misanthropic safe-cracker who makes a living as the world’s worst department store santa. He is assisted by a bitter, foul-mouthed dwarf (Tony Cox), who matches him as the world’s worst Christmas elf. For all the gutter filth, Bad Santa still plausibly warms the heart, as even Willie finds some goodwill for his fellow human beings, playing surrogate father to the world’s worst fat annoying kid (Brett Kelly).
4. Scrooge (1951)
Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol has been adapted for the screen countless times, with Ebenezeer Scrooge portrayed by actors as diverse as Reginald Owen, Albert Finney, George C Scott, Kelsey Grammar, Ross Kemp and Jim Carrey. Notable mentions go to Bill Murray, who warmed up for Groundhog Day in the modern day, scattershot update Scrooged! and Michael Caine, who played Ebenezeer completely straight despite being surrounded by Kermit and mates in A Muppet Christmas Carol. For my money, still the best Scrooge is Alastair Sim in this classic adaptation, with his heavy-lidded, haunted eyes and droll, deadpan delivery – never was the classic miser so deliciously mean, sad and comical, which makes his eventual change of heart all the more joyous.
3. Die Hard (1988)
I can’t say for certain, but I feel sure that when the screenplay for Die Hard was first pitched, they didn’t imagine that twenty years later it would be creeping into people’s lists of top Christmas films.
Bruce Willis’ blue collar New York cop John McLane heads out to LA to visit his estranged wife for Chrimbo, and ends up crashing arch-criminal Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman)’s festive safe-cracking party at the Nakatomi Plaza.
Despite heads getting blown off, necks broken, bodies chucked out of skyscraper windows, Die Hard still feels very Christmassy, not least due to Michael Kamen’s sleigh bell laden soundtrack, and a serious commitment to family at Christmas: McLane goes through all hell to rescue his wife from the robbers, his “partner” Sgt Powell (Reginald VelJohnson) is drawn out from behind his desk to confront the criminals with a pregnant wife back home, and slimy newsman Thornburg (William Atherton) rewarded for encroaching on the sanctity of the McLane homestead at Christmas with a broken nose.
2. Gremlins (1984)
Joe Dante gleefully trashes picture book small town Americana in this anarchic horror comedy. Nice boy Billy Peltzer (Zach Galligan) receives an unusual pet from his inventor father for Christmas, with three important pet care tips to follow – don’t get it wet, don’t feed it after midnight, and don’t expose it to sunlight. Naturally, he proceeds to get it wet and feed it after midnight, unleashing a horde of cackling Gremlins on the peaceful town of Kingston Falls. A mischevious Christmas classic which pulls of that 80′s trick of being subversive, feel-good, funny and scary all at the same time.
1. It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)
It is always tempting to try knocking Frank Capra’s It’s A Wonderful Life off top spot, but that would just be churlish. In our increasingly atomised, consumerised world, where the true spirit of Christmas (whatever that means) is often lost, this film carries a simple, universal, uplifting message: “No man is a failure who has friends”.
This is the tale of a good-natured but ambitious young man, George Bailey (James Stewart), whose dream of leaving his hometown of Bedford Falls is repeatedly thwarted by his commitment to doing the right thing by family and friends. He is eventually driven to the brink of suicide by the threat of financial ruin.
Luckily, his guardian angel Clarence (Henry Travers) is on hand to grant him a wish – to show him what life would be like without him.
It’s A Wonderful Life is often too easily passed off as a feelgood Christmas classic, although much of it, especially the nightmarish parallel universe without George Bailey, is incredibly dark.
James Stewart puts in a complex, layered performance as Bailey, his selfless persona frequently conflicted by a desire to pursue his own dreams – watch his face cloud over when he realises he won’t be able to leave town to go traveling on his brother’s return. The key to Bailey’s frustrations comes in a confrontation with his nemesis, Harlan Potter (Lionel Barrymore) – “You once called me a warped, frustrated old man, but what are you but a warped, frustrated young man?”
George’s life is a catalogue of compromise and broken dreams, and he is pushed to the very brink – which makes his eventual epiphany so wonderfully life affirming.
A movie length review of why The Phantom Menace sucks so hard. Seriously nit-picky, and I’m not sure about the self-indulgent character of the reviewer as a serial killer. However, this is brilliantly edited, extremely funny in places, and when you get to parts 6 & 7, you realise this is an awesome film critic using the godawful naffness of Episode I to sharply underline the timeless wonder of the original trilogy.
If The Fan was a baseball legend, it would be Barry Bonds. The film has various similarities with his stint at San Francisco, which include record-breaking contracts, shirt number confusion and of course, the Giants themselves.
This Tony Scott picture delivers a sleek first pitch followed by an unexpected knuckleball. Gil Renard (Robert De Niro (Goodfellas, 1990)), A down-on-his-luck knife salesman, goes round the twist whilst stalking his idol, baseball legend Bobby Rayburn (Wesley Snipes (Blade, 1998)).
With a Falling Down (1993)-esque feel, De Niro’s steady decline of realism is well played to the best he can. Snipes fits the bill as the arrogant player and it is probably his best performance alongside Murder at 1600 (1997). De Niro’s character stops at nothing to keep his idol’s credibility in check, to the point of no return following a bizarre jinx over Snipes losing his shirt number.
Unable to perform and hit, Rayburn’s frustration is felt, generating more tension than a fat mans belt buckle. This results in a complete meltdown from Renard. Renard’s patience is tested throughout the course of the flick. As neck-cracking and collar-pulling are not usually associated with De Niro’s persona since the early days, it was refreshing to experience another one of these roles from the acting hall-of-famer. Benicio Del Toro (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)) fits into place nicely, as the irritating ex-centre fielder who steps up to the plate when Rayburn loses his metal.
On the downside, the film tends to drag somewhat. The ending feels slightly rushed and the acting from Patti D’arbanville (nothing else of note, for obvious reasons) is totally dreadful. Apart from that, Snipes is marginally better than usual and although it is not De Niro’s best work, I enjoyed this film somewhat. With a haunting Hans Zimmer soundtrack and supporting cast of John Leguizamo (Carlito’s Way (1993)), and Ellen Barkin (Ocean’s Thirteen (2007)), to keep you interested, The Fan is a steady thriller. Give it a chance and you may be more suprised than not getting socks at Christmas from Mummy.
Performance of the film – De Niro’s performance pushed me to more lip biting than a nuts/fly encounter on a cold day. He did his best within the role, slightly overshadowing Snipes’ stupid slugger act.
Quote of the film – De Niro’s powerful one liner “Some people are ungrateful…and they should be taught a lesson” lingers in my head.
Fact of the film – This is the second movie where the De Niro/Baseball bat/head cracking combo is in full swing.
Soundtrack/score – A nice selection of tunes ranging from the Rolling Stones to Terence Trent D’arby. Add that to a polished main suite from Hans Zimmer and you have a better bundle than a top-notch mobile phone package.
May be a miss for some but it struck a chord with me. A decent batting average. 77/100.
(Last watched 6 months ago. Reviewed by Mr. Holly.)
“Surreal” is one of the most popular and misunderstood words at work in Britain today, often mis-used by footballers and reality TV show stars when grasping for adjectives to describe their experience.
X Factor winner James Arthur described his experience as surreal, while returning West Ham hero Joe Cole also felt his return to the club of his youth matched the description. Assuming Cole’s contract signing wasn’t overseen by a dwarf talking backwards, or Nicole Scherzinger’s head didn’t turn into a lightbulb while singing him a lullaby, what they actually meant was the events were a bit surprising or unusual.
One thing genuinely surreal in 2012 was Leo Carax’s Holy Motors, a wilfully bizarre, gross, funny and melancholy headfuck that is likely to drive some regular cinema-goers to experiment with other examples of arthouse and avant garde cinema.
“Begin at the beginning then go on till you come to the end: then stop.” – Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
What is it about the biopic that induces screenwriters to start somewhere near the end, then find some contrived way to kick the story back in time to all the interesting stuff, the events the viewer wants to find out about in the first place?
In many senses, any biographical film of an important historical figure is a kind of greatest hits compilation, and two of the finest British examples of the genre, Lawrence of Arabia and Gandhi, begin with such a device. Both those films have plenty of time at their disposal, clocking in at over three hours each, and focus on a relatively narrow time in their subject’s lives.
The Iron Lady, by Mamma Mia! auteur Phyllida Lloyd, tries to jam in former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s whole career into a paltry 105 minute run time, and makes the unfortunate decision to spend most of the movie stuck in the modern-day bookends. So if Lawrence of Arabia and Gandhi are like double LP’s, The Iron Lady is like a 45 single.
A joke: Today, a bomb went off in central Ipswich, England [delete and apply any shitty town/district/neighbourhood of your choice], causing millions of pounds worth of structural improvements.
I’ll come back to that joke in a minute. Christmas is over and I’m not feeling charitable, and as much as I admire the independent, amateur, can-do ethos behind Benh Zeitlin’s first feature film, Beasts of the Southern Wild, I can’t pretend I appreciated it as much as many celebrated critics seemed to.
The film tells the story of a little girl, Hushpuppy (Quvenzhané Wallis), who lives in squalor with her ailing father, Wink (Dwight Henry) in a ramshackle pre-post-apocalyptic community known as the Bathtub, separated from the modern world by a levee.
In the year of our Lord, 2012, most screwed-on Westerners are aware that the Catholic Church is the most institutionalized hive of nonces and kiddy fiddlers in the history of mankind.
This is interesting from a British perspective, because as a nation who forcibly battled and rejected Catholicism in its middle-past, our national conscience has found other ways of repenting. Most notably is cinema – our flicks must rank amongst the most confessional and penitent movies in the world.
As an Englishman living abroad, I socialise with many nationalities, and some of my best friends are American. One thing you will never hear an American expat say is; “America’s a fucking dump, and I couldn’t wait to get out of that shithole.”
If Love, Honour and Obey was a shop on the high street, it would be a charity shop: retro CDs, cheap tracksuits and mugs are all on offer here on a shoestring budget .
This BBC-backed, British gangster flick sees Ray Winstone’s (Scum) North London criminal faction pitted against their Southern counterparts, headed by Sean Pertwee (Dog Soldiers). Coincidentally, this is the third Pertwee film we have reviewed, and we’d just like to emphasise the fact that we are in no way attracted to this man. Coming up next week - Equilibrium…
Humourous from the offset, this tale of a turf war includes a varied British cast which portrays this cockney rivalry well. With much of the film’s hilarity coming from the crude dialogue between them, this film also incorporates karaoke as an unlikely, yet effective plot device. Although some of the musical scenes do tend to run on a little, the cast obviously had fun in the making of them. Other side plots accompany this gangland mock-up, including a wedding, erectile dysfunction, and a grudge match between Rhys Ifans (Hannibal Rising) and the courier-come-gangster Jonny Lee Miller (Trainspotting).
The film has a decent entertaining feel to it and after making Final Cut (1998) together the previous year, the repeat combination of Jude Law (The Talented Mr. Ripley), Sadie Frost (Dracula) and Winstone make this a superior film to its predecessor. All the themes projected in this movie keep you interested from the start, from the plots to the dated cars,phones and clothes. Considering you would get more cash raiding a public payphone for the budget, Dominic Anciano and Ray Burdis have done well here.
The main drawback with this flick would have to be the limited target audience, with regards to international viewers. Whilst the dialogue is entertaining for the cockney-hardened British viewer, it would make as much sense to other nationalities as Einstein’s Theory of Relativity would make to a Peruvian llama farmer. This would inevitably hinder the overseas profit margin; a common oversight within the British film industry. The film has a slightly predictable end result and it veers to become quite dark and serious in the last twenty minutes (the toilet brush-anal cavity combo springs to mind here).
With these faults aside, Love, Honour and Obey is a decent addition to the British film market. It is one of the best gangster tales that we have on offer and although not very well-known, it is generally a good, fun watch and should be checked out. With a bigger budget we can’t help but feel that this would have been able to compete with the likes of Guy Ritchie.
Performance of the film – Despite a talented cast, Ray Winstone is undisputedly the daddy in this one.
Quote of the film – Ray Winstone “You’re fat, and I’ll throw you in the river…”
Fact of the film – Many aspects of this film are true to life. Ray Winstone is a massive fan of karaoke; This is the second Anciano/Burdis collaboration in the space of a two-year period to use the cast’s actual first names; and ex-S.A.S henchman “Bill” was actually a former member of the special forces, having been awarded the Queen’s Gallantry Medal in the line of duty.
Soundtrack/score – Most tracks from the film are actually performed by the cast, making it a refreshing karaoke mix including Tony Christie’s Avenues and Alleyways.
An enjoyable gangster romp, well worth 94 minutes of your time. Watch it you mug. 83/100.
(Last watched 7 days ago. Reviewed by Mr. Holly and Fuzzy).
Horror has been in a dark place for the last decade. When Scream 4 crawled out of the gate last year, with the tagline promise of “New Rules”, I hoped the writer-director team of Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven would apply the intelligence so freshly applied to the cliched stalk n’ slash sub-genre in the original movie to the depressing, sadistic trend of torture porn prevalent in the 2000′s.
While Scream 4 acknowledged the presence of grungy, industrial strength reboots of classic horror franchises and video nasties, and incorporated streaming live blogs and iPhones, the movie bottled out & played safe. Instead, it came across as deeply anachronistic and twee – in the era of Hostel, Human Centipede and The Devil’s Rejects, there was something nostalgic and almost comforting about seeing good-looking, middle class kids disemboweled by a nutter in a mask.
Video Krypt is now on the LAMB (Large Association of Movie Blogs)! If you haven’t checked it out, here’s the link -
It’s a great resource for film buffs who love reading movie blogs. This inclusion has made me feel pretty loved up, so here’s the final scene of Cinema Paradiso to celebrate -